Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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