She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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