I need help removing her.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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