Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
