It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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