Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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