i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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