something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
