This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
