You don't have asthma, your pregnant
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize
