I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
