cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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