there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
