I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
