You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
