you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
