last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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