i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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