Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
