remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
