just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
