My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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