8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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