Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize