Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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