My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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