someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
