you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
