ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
