I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
