I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
