he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
