My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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