Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You need a sexual gate keeper
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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