I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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