Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
