Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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