i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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