mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Randomize
