I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
