i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
