handjob tips. give me some.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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