I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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