Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
