My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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