Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
