this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
