Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
