UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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