I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
