We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
