did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize