i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
