you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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