I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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