Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
