So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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