quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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