But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
