Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
